Open Hands
Earlier this year, I lay on the floor of an empty office, spent from crying, yelling, and swearing at God. Despite all my dreams and efforts, I was back at the same place I had found myself so many times before. Broken, empty, and exhausted. The saviors I hoped in had failed me again, and the narrative fueling me had run out.
It was a moment of clarity like the morning after an overdose one shouldn’t wake from, and with it the realization that this is no longer sustainable. Either I find a way to change or I might not survive another return to start.
For years, I had carefully constructed a set of beliefs that motivated me. It’s where I found my sense of worth and identity. This wasn’t just something I wanted – this was me and my reason for living. At twenty-six years old, I had to clean off the slate and start over; be born again.
My last sixteen articles are a loose collection. The concepts in them echo and braid together as they circle the same theme. They are not truths I believe, but they are truths I want to believe. They are truths combating what I have believed, and I repeat them to myself to replace the lies I have repeated for so many years.
I thought a career in art would give me worth. A relationship with a girl would complete me. The future I wanted would save me from the present. I clung to these things, more desperate for them than my next breath. But God would not let me have them. Like Abraham and Isaac, God asked me to put these and other things on the altar and when I did not, He killed them anyway. I lashed out in animal pain, cursing Him for it.
Whether they are things I currently hold or dream of one day holding, God calls me to release the control I never had and hold everything with open hands. He gets to decide what to put in my hands and what to take out. He asks me to trust Him and believe His plan is better than mine. Intellectually, I know God’s plan is better, but like a spoiled child, I don’t care. I want what I want, and I will throw a fit if I don’t get it. Maybe one day I will see it as grace that I do not have the life I want. Maybe I will see that where I am is better than where I want to be. But I’m not there yet.
The truth is nothing in my hands was ever mine. I was created by God and for Him and I was bought with the blood of His Son. I don’t get to live for myself and there is no room in my house over which He does not have complete ownership. I don’t get to keep a little back where God can tell me what to do with my money but not my time. He owns it all.
This is unconditional surrender. It is agonizing and disorienting – a release of the things around which I’ve wrapped my identity, motivation, and worth. For months, I slowly rewired my brain around truths I did not yet believe. My grip loosened and slowly my fingers began to pry open.
Surrender is a deeply humbling and painful thing, and having surrendered in the morning does not guarantee I will remain so in the evening. I have to continually remind myself of the the truths about which I’ve written. I have to continually remind myself of the character of God and His proven faithfulness. As I know Him more and fall deeper in love with Him, I can begin to trust Him with the present struggle and the unknown future.
My heart and hope have been tied to the things of earth for so long – things I could not obtain or retain, things that could never give me the satisfaction and fulfillment I crave. I am passing away along with everything in this world. Until then, I have a part to play, and it is not for myself but for Him. Every day I have to put my Isaacs on the altar. Sometimes He gives them back, sometimes He kills them. But either way, I have Him, and that really seems to be the only thing that matters – not how pleasant the journey is, but whether we walk it with Him.
J.
P.S. This process has been long and I am still in it. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to those who have walked alongside me and guided me with gentleness and love. Thank you, especially to Amy – my voice teacher, counselor, therapist, and sensei.
Sept. 14, 2021