The Fountain of Youth: A Product Review

Day 1

Unboxing Neora’s line of miracle elixirs is a breathtaking moment. I am about to embark on a quest steeped in thousands of years of mythology. The search for the fountain of youth – a promise of immortality that has tragically lured so many warriors and dreamers to their death. Cortez sought for it in vain amidst the Aztec ruins, but now I hold it in my hand – this cleanser and facial cream. 

I take my before pictures and though I try to look sad and middle-aged, there is an unmistakeable gleam in my eye in anticipation of the transformation about to take place.

Reading the directions with the care of a bomb-disposal expert, I eagerly apply the cleanser. There is a pleasant, tingling sensation as if my skin is exfoliating or being gently massaged with banana peppers. The cream is housed in a space-age capsule, and is a soothing epilogue to the cleansing process.

Week 1

I don’t notice much change, but this is only the first week. Also, my skin has always been low maintenance since I spend my days with minimal makeup, huddled indoors under artificial light like a priceless Monet.

Week 2

Thirteen days in, the space-age cream capsule stops working and I have to make my way through it with a hacksaw. It turns out the problem is not with the capsule itself, but with the cream which isn’t there anymore. I check the directions to make sure I haven’t been too enthusiastic in my application. I have not been. The amount of cream in the capsule is equivalent to the potato chip to air ratio. From here on, I will have to forego moisturizing or return to my old lotion; a cheap one gallon pump system I’ve been using since the late 90s.

Week 3

My face has advanced to an alarming degree of feminine, springy softness. This would be a pleasant sensation if, for instance, one were touching a boob, but given that it’s my face, it’s just confusing, like when one reaches for the salad dressing, and accidentally touches a boob.

Day 30

The great experiment is over. My complexion does seem smoother and lighter, but Jennifer Aniston I ain’t. Even such modern wonders as cleansers and moisturizers can only do so much. For me at least, the fountain of youth remains as elusive as ever.

J.

February 26, 2021