Dream Girl

Her eyes sparkle in the dark and her smile lights it up. Like all good things, she is unpredictable, wild, and free. She sees the best in people and calls it out of them. A striking blonde with legs for days, she is an unholy archetypal mix of siren and saint. I’ve called her by many names over the years, but I don’t know which she prefers. We’ve never met and I’m starting to wonder if she exists.

The dreams we build – the illusions of what our lives will look like and who we will spend them with – are not always helpful. Sometimes instead of self-fulfilling prophecies, they become an escape from the life we have. They disappoint when they do not come true, and it is the lucky few who realize they won’t. We are not Gatsby, able to build the lives we imagine by force of will, and maybe this is fortunate, considering his end. 

But I am tired of living without her. It’s impossible to describe wanting something more than anything else in the world, and not having it or having it taken away. But I imagine nearly all of us experience this. The painter goes blind, the employee is fired, a mother buries her child, and a couple is divorced. Those who live by the sword die by the sword. We crave something and we build our lives around obtaining it, but who can obtain and retain anything in this world?

Whatever this dream or desire is – whatever we’re hanging onto with both fists – can not satisfy our hearts the way we think it will. In His awful grace, God calls us to give up or forcefully takes away that which we love and want most until He is what we love and want most. We were created by and for an infinite God, and nothing less can satisfy. No other person or thing can fulfill the deepest longings of our hearts. 

We may never get what we want most in this world, and both the desire for it and the pain of not having it may remain undiminished. I haven’t found anything to get me off the path of singleness or be happy and content on it. There is still the dream of someone else, the pang of loneliness, the jealousy of comparison, and so on. But my perspective is slowly shifting and it has ripple effects. I’m less fixated on the despair of confirmed bachelorhood and a desperate need to find her.

God doesn’t promise to fulfill our dreams and plans, but to fulfill His perfect plan for us. “Man plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps.”* In the moment, His plan may seem far from perfect, but as C.S. Lewis said, “Whether we like it or not, God intends to give us what we need, not what we now think we want.” 

I don’t know if I’ll find her or if she will only ever exist in my head, unknown and unnamed. But this is not the point. Once God holds primary place in our hearts and everything else is on the altar, it matters very little whether we ever see those things again. Either way we have Him, and He is what we were created for. Instead of trying to leave this path, I need to learn the lessons that come from being faithful on it and trust the God who put me here. Run with endurance the race set before you, fixing your eyes, not on your dreams and desires, but on Christ.** 

Over the course of my interminable journey of singleness, I’ve sought advice from a wide range of sources: pastors, pickup artists, psychologists, and friends. Most of the advice has been some patronizing version of “Do what I did and it’ll turn out great like it did for me.” But a friend wrote me this, and I carry it with me: “The only advice I can give is, Do things you love. You’ll find her or she’ll find you, but until that happens, you’ll know you’ve invested your time well.” It’s not a formula for getting what I want, but a reminder of what I should be doing regardless of whether or not these dreams come true.

J.

*Proverbs 16:9

**Hebrews 12:1-2

Aug. 24, 2021